About Me

I like to complain about stuff and try a little to fix it. If I could make a living that way, so much the better. This blog reflects my opinions and is in no way affiliated with any other companies.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Darn cute babies

So a friend just found out she has fertility issues and it's not looking good that she'll be reproducing any time soon. Or ever, really. And since I'm the most self-centered person on Earth, this immediately ties back to me and my own lack of fecundity. It's really time to start making peace with the idea that I'm getting older and I've made no effort whatsoever to find a mate and have a family. As a result, there is a very strong likelihood that I won't be getting married or having any babies. Which I pretty much thought everyone did and it was just a matter of time until Mr. Babymaking Right managed to track me down at my house, breakdown the door, fix the door, court me, marry me, and impregnate me before disappearing in a mysterious accident that left me lonely, but with a lovely set of twins and an enormous insurance settlement to comfort me. Could it be that I've somehow gone wrong in my assumptions?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Why Ben & Jerry why?

I guess I really can't blame Ben & Jerry for making such a delicious ice cream that is way beyond my resistance. But I do. They have to know that minty, full-fat ice cream is potent. Then, if you blend it with chunks of chocolate cream cookies it's just beyond my level of resistance. But how was I to resist. I mean, it's not my fault that I couldn't find the naan bread in my grocer's freezer and there were compelling yellow discount signs that drew my eye to the frozen desserts section.

So, it was a bargain step closer to type 2 diabetes, which is nice. And now I have to get on a plane on Friday. A Delta plane, which has some of the smallest seats in the sky. Which may or may not be able to contain my fat ass. When I land in Utah, I will spend two days surrounded by movie types and wanna be's--particularly those West Coast matrons who have bizarre facial work. The result is that from the back they look like hot 20-year-old chippies. But then they turn around and their face has been botoxed and augmented to the point that they look like they've recently taken up beekeeping face first. Yikes.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Coffee: A good idea gone awry

So I was listening to this report on NPR about how coffee help spurred the age of reason or the age of enlightenment. I wasn't listening super carefully. But either one would be a good improvement from the haze I'm currently in. So I've coffeed it up for the past two days...one cup each day with a pack of swiss miss hot chocolate in it to make it a little special. And it's been great during the day. But now, at 2:14 a.m., I really miss the whole sleeping thing. It's always been one of my great pleasures. And particularly now, when I'm not smoking, barely drinking, and a good seeing to is a vague memory, sleeping has been a reliable pleasure in life. Which I'm denied. 

I'll tell you this much. Being up after 2 isn't fun if you don't have one of the following things:
1. A good book
2. A good man
3. A variety of drinks
4. Your smoke brand or variety of choice
5. A dramatic deadline
6. An inspirational cause
7. A long distance to cover across an unfamiliar territory
8. A minimum of a trilogy's worth of movies that you are watching from beginning to end as God intended.
9. One or more hysterical friends to be bailed out of a situation that will provide a good, entertaining story at future late nights.
10. One or more hysterical friends who are bailing you out of a situation that will provide a good, entertaining story at future late nights.

So maybe not drinking a mochalicious coffee each day means that I won't be the next great philosopher. But who knows, perhaps people were happier drinking their small beers and wine throughout the day, living life at a slower, less enlightened or less reasonable pace. 

Ok, they were unbathed, untoothed, and frequently dead by 35. And don't get me started on the stink factor. But a society with a widespread, large scale buzz is still pretty interesting.